without much sound

in hopes that the shadows we cast

will shade one another from the sun

In this shade we find ourselves safe

known

loved

Here we find the courage to walk out of the shade

and into the sunlight

together

so that we may shade others along our way

The warmth reaches my heart and I breathe in.

I want to see the way I saw you.

So heroic, so charming.

I made believe we understood one another. But all we really had were words that weren’t ours to begin with.

Still

I find myself wanting to sit on the outskirts of me.

Maybe then I could have given you what you really needed.

A companion amidst the darkness. The insecurity. All of their assumptions about you.

I never believed them anyway.

Maybe it’s the result of the overwhelming weight of holding in every tear, every disappointment, every word I’d love to hear myself say eventually causes my rib cartilage to say “I give.”

Pretending to be friends sucks. But what’s worse, is the inflammation that makes you want to call it all off.

In his book, Karl Barth makes a strong argument for the intimate connection between faith and obedience in response to the call of Christ to “follow Him”. Barth puts it beautifully when he states: “…who are called by Jesus and follow him wholeheartedly and constantly, sharing his life and destiny at the expense of all other engagements and commitments, attaching themselves to him, placing themselves in his service, and thus showing that they are qualified to be his disciples”. (Barth p.5) We see that this call is not a simple suggestion to those around Christ, but instead it asks much deeper of those whom Christ calls. This, as Barth suggests, is actually a command. “Come and follow me” commands not just physical aspects, but also spiritually as well. Further in his book, Barth comments on various passages of the Bible in which Jesus calls people to follow Him, to which they respond with more or less: “Sure, but let me tie up a few personal lose ends. I’ll be ready after that.”. Barth is not shy to state that this is simply not acceptable in Christ’s eyes, for he responds to those who claim their “unreadiness”: “‘No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God’”. (Barth p. 11) Finally, Barth summarizes his belief of this strict obedience to faith in the following: “He demands faith in the form of obedience; obedience to himself. This is the commitment to him that constitutes the content of the call of discipleship”. (Barth p. 14) Furthermore, Barth continues to say that once one has acted both in faith and obedience to this call, one has given one’s life up and turned to live only for which he was called. My favorite explanation of his is this: “The person who is called to follow Jesus has simply to renounce and withdraw and annul an existing relationship of obedience and loyalty. This relationship is to oneself”. (Barth p. 22)

My question is this: If we should agree that what Barth is saying is biblical, and therefore True, have we truly answered Christ’s call to discipleship? Could it be that our current generation has simply not been taught this relationship between faith, obedience and the denial of self? I wonder if our culture has sought to indulge “the self” so much that children are growing up with no ill feelings toward the “looking out for me” lifestyle. I do not believe this subject is neither black nor white, but I do feel it is extremely important to ponder. When I became a believer, still to this day I can remember the sense of letting the old self die with Christ on the cross, as well as the joyous feeling of redemption through the “new me” in Christ’s resurrection. Now, clearly at age 13 I could not verbalize those feelings then as I can now, but still, they existed. This relieved feeling of starting new, of completely surrendering all for the Lord and being so wrapped up in His call that nothing else seemed important…have I lost these feelings even as I have done much growing in my faith? Have you? What should we DO then with this? Everyday we wake up and immediately begin to plan out the day, with only us and our schedule in mind. Is this what Christ has called us to? How can we make it back to this understanding of surrendering all to Christ and His call to discipleship?

10:40-11:35 Physiology

11:50-12:45 Physics

2:45-4:10 Adolescent Culture and Evangelism

Tuesday:

11:25-12:45 Physiology Discussion

Wednesday:

10:40-11:35 Physiology

11:50-12:45 Physics

2:45-4:10 Adolescent Culture and Evangelism

5:55-8:55 Physics Lab

Thursday:

8:20-12:20 Physiology Lab

Friday:

10:40-11:35 Physiology

11:50-12:45 Physics

*Theology of the Christian Life (online)*

A couple of nights ago, my dream was very different. Instead of yelling, I was laughing, joking about being sisters again. Subconsciously, I had a feeling that I was going to hear it from my family for even talking to her, but there I was.

Greg said on Sunday that God wants your prayers to be persistent. “If you’ve been praying for that prodigal son or daughter for a year now, then two, then three…keep praying. God still wants to work in the situation.”

It’s so hard to pray for something you may not even want. I fail so often to persistently pray for things that I truly need, let alone for a girl who has messed up in ways she hasn’t even comprehended just yet.

I guess I can pray for reconciliation and a humble heart. I would hate to be guilty of judgment when I have a God Who is quite capable of having the last word.

In other news, school is kicking my butt already, and I’m so scared. I know I can do it, but at this moment in time I’m simply not motivated.

On the upside, Daniel is coming into town, which will be my saving grace for this week.

Now…off to O. Chem lab!

Much too often I get wrapped up and upset of things I cannot control, and things that simply aren’t “end-of-the world” scenarios. Honestly, I simply think that I’m bothered that school is starting again in about a day and I feel like I haven’t gotten any rest yet this weekend.

I know there are much bigger things in the world than my lack of rest, frustrations and feeling of immobilization.

Frankly, I think I just want to world or at least peoples’ worlds of those closest to me to revolve around me.

I cant’ stand myself when I get this way. While I try to settle this thing, I’ll be doing what I feel I will always be doing for the next four months…

Homework.

This is simply going to be a random insight into my present life, since I have to be up in six hours for class…

It was cloudy and a bit breezy on Monday and Tuesday and I loved it. I told Holly that it was as if to say, “Something is coming…things are changing and it will be here soon”. It also got me into a Christmas/fall mood way to early this year.

Here’s to loving life in the moment and nothing more.

As summer comes for everyone, I feel something big is going to happen. I’m not sure whether it will be good or bad, but I do know that growth will be the foundation for it all.

How people can live two lives and feel that they are in the right place or have peace is beyond me. I want to love, but so many things pull me away from doing that.

I simply can’t be a bystander to ruin.

Please, Lord. Help me to know what my role is in all of this. I want you to be known before anything else.

You are the one who never changes.